SpongeBob Gets Cancelled
by Kashikoi-kun
Summary: 20 years after Squirrel Jokes, SpongeBob faces public scrutiny for his jokes that're now deemed offensive.
1. Chapter 1: Another Revival

Chapter 1

Another Revival

* * *

The Krusty Krab

20 Years Ago

Nighttime

SpongeBob stands in front of the anticipating crowd. Normally, he would have made other Squirrel Jokes, but he has learned his painful lesson; literally a painful lesson. For now, he's changing plans: "I ran into a squirrel"

He winks at Sandy who smirks back at him. An over-excited Patrick sports a huge smile on his face.

"And I said, 'Hey why don't you go get a couple of your squirrel friends and we'll go change a lightbulb?'"

All fishmanity in the crowd dies from laughter.

"But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge!"

Suddenly, the crowd is caught off-guard and goes silent.

"I mean, we're so dumb, we don't even have a vertebrae [sic]" SpongeBob twists himself: "Look at me! I got no bones!"

The crowd chuckles: "That's true"

"Crabs? Oh, brother. They're so cheap, they can't even pay attention!"

Mr. Krabs laughs: "It's true, I am cheap!"

"Now, let me tell you about those fish. Boy, are they smelly. Whoo-hoo! How could a creature who spends so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really!" he imitates a fish. "Soap... soap... what is... soap?

The crowd laughs more. SpongeBob gives a thumbs-up to a now satisfied Sandy; she gives him a thumbs-up back.

"And don't even get me started on starfish!"

* * *

The Krusty Krab: Dining Area

Present Day

A Wednesday Afternoon

SpongeBob reads a piece of paper; he sits on a barrel and at a table. Across from him sits a advertising agent.

"Mr. SquarePants, does the information seem accurate?" the agent, who is a fish, asks. SpongeBob nods and reads the paper:

"Come to The Krusty Krab this weekend for SpongeBob's Stand-Up Comedy. After a 20-year absence, we are decided to revive this event! Please bring money!"

"Seems accurate"

"Excellent, Mr. SquarePants" the agent asks. "Just a final question. Since it's been 20 years, we need some refreshers on your comedy style"

SpongeBob recaps his jokes about sponges, fish, crabs, and starfish.

* * *

Mr. Krabs' Office

20 Minutes Later

An enraged Mr. Krabs sits at his desk; a messy Patrick has summoned to sit in front of him.

"Patrick! How many times do I have to say this?!" he yells at the starfish. "Stop squirting me mayonnaise condiment on the floor!"

"I thought it was an instrument" Patrick defends himself, dumbfounded. SpongeBob enters the room.

"Mr. K, everything is A-Okay with the advertising agent" he reaffirms the cheapskate boss. "The Krusty Krab will be houseful this weekend!"

"That's good!" Patrick replies. "I loved those starfish jokes!"

"Good. Business has been down lately" Mr. K explains. "We would come up with something original, but why do so when we have something that worked 2 decades ago"

"I agree, Mr. K!" SpongeBob replies. "We'll have so many reservations in this lobster tank!"

Patrick's eyes pop open: "This is a lobster trap?! Are we gonna die?!"

SpongeBob and Krabs tell him to calm down.

"Pat. It's not an active lobster trap" Mr. Krabs calms him down.

* * *

Squidward's Living Room

The Next Morning

5 A.M

SpongeBob enters the living room; he's in pajamas and so is Squidward.

"Why'd you call me here?" SpongeBob asks, confused. "Are we finally having a slumber party?!"

"No!" the squid shoots down the idea; he turns on the news channel.

"Breaking News: Thousands of young Bikini Bottom residents protest in front of the Krusty Krab. They call for SpongeBob to apologize for his stand-up jokes that they deem offensive"

"What?" SpongeBob asks, baffled. "How are any jokes that I made 20 years offensive?!"

The news cuts to a stand-up interview with a college-aged fish: "I'm offended by SpongeBob's joke about us not using soap! How dare he call us filthy!"

"SpongeBob. I am a person of art" Squidward explains, trying too hard to sound sophisticated. "Not all forms of art are timeless. Perhaps, you should lay low for now"

"Are you saying that because you don't want us to have the same shift today?"

"Well, ordinary. I would like that, but not-"

"-Oh, who am I kidding? We're like brothers, Squidward!" SpongeBob brushes it off.

The news cuts to another interview of a teenaged crab: "We gotta fight for SpongeBob to apologize about that starfish joke; I bet that you that starfish didn't find it funny in the slightest"

"But, Patrick wasn't hurt by it" SpongeBob replies, confused.

It cuts to a final interview of an older fish: "People just can't laugh these days, can they? SpongeBob was just kidding back then!"

"Thank you!" Squidward yells back at the TV. "SpongeBob, you should law low until this is sorted out"

"I'm not laying low; I have nothing to apologize for! I'm facing the crowd! Let's get ready for work!"

To be continued


	2. Chapter 2: Another Event from the Past

Chapter 2

Another Event from the Past

* * *

Outside The Krusty Krab: Back Entrance

SpongeBob excessively sweats as him and Squidward approach the KK's back entrance. There's an angry mob of fishmanity at the front entrance. They carry picket signs that demand for SpongeBob's removal from the Krusty Krew.

"I'm sorry me boy" Mr. Krabs brings some bad news; he stands at the door. "You're on paid leave"

SpongeBob's face drops. Surprisingly, so does Squidward's face.

"Mr. Krabs, that's insane!" Squidward stands up for the poor fellow. SpongeBob is too respectful and literally spineless to stand up against the profit-focused krab.

"I'm sorry, boys. But if I keep ya here, then these customers threaten to not eat here" he explains his reasoning. "SpongeBob, me heart wants you here, but me need money"

SpongeBob somehow keeps it together: "I understand, Mr. Krabs". Though he does shed a tear.

"Mista Squidward, you're in charge of me register and grill" he instructs the octopus. Squidward sighs and turns to the upset sponge. "I know who can help you"

* * *

Sandy's Treedome: Inside

1 Hour Later

Sandy sits at the picnic bench across from SpongeBob; the same picnic bench from Tea at the Teadome. She calms him down as he finally breaks down.

"I'm on paid leave! All because of a stupid joke I made 20 years ago!" he bursts into tears. "If only I was more considerate back then"

"Cheer up, Sponge" Sandy approaches the saddened sponge and pats him on the back. "It's not your fault; they'd be mad no matter what jokes you made"

SpongeBob can't stop crying: "What can I do?! I didn't mean any harm! Patrick must be so angry at me for that starfish joke!"

Sandy thinks for a moment. "Wait, that's it!"

SpongeBob wipes his tears away and looks up at her: "What?"

"Let's have Patrick to tell the press that..." she thinks on the spot: "that...he didn't find your starfish joke offensive. That could make the crowd forget all of this nonsense"

"Yeah, that could work" SpongeBob cheers up and slowly cracks a smile. "After that, they'll leave me alone"

* * *

17 Years Ago

A Van: Inside

Two press reporters sit inside the van of Bikini Bottom Weekly, the newspaper of the town. They're covering the Great Snail Race and are headed to Squidward's place to interview him. The reporter van pulls up to the Eastern Island head. A conversation outside of a nearby pineapple home.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" SpongeBob asks his pet snail, who seems distracted.

"No, no, no! I'm thinking about entering you in that race and beating Squidward's snail!" the sponge runs off.

The first reporter puts 2 and 2 together: "He must be competing against Squidward Tennisball!"

The 2nd reporter rolls the camcorder and rolls down the window. Once the window is down, the camera films the outside of SpongeBob's house.

"Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies!" SpongeBob laughs: "I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use."

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3: Already Guilty

Chapter 3

Already Guilty

* * *

**Bikini Bottom News: Studio Room**

**Nighttime**

"Welcome to our show, The Tea and Nothing but the Tea, SpongeBob SquarePants opens up in an exclusive interview for the first time ever" the hostess announces to the camera. "We'll hear the real story of his insensitive and completely hurtful jokes from 20 years ago"

A nervous SpongeBob sits across from her.

"SpongeBob, a story came out this morning about your derogatory jokes. How did they make you feel?" the totally not biased hostess asks him.

"It was insensitive of me to make those jokes 20 years ago" SpongeBob reads a statement off the teleprompter; he sits in front of the teleprompter cum camera: "My intention was never to hurt any of the referenced demographics. What was considered Ok at the time clearly wasn't"

Did SpongeBob believe anything he just said? Absolutely not, but you gotta do what you gotta do to save face in today's cancel culture.

"I would like to apologize" he concludes. "This isn't like me. Anyone who knows me will argue that I have never made similar comments like the ones from 20 years ago. Not a single comment"

"Wow; that was genuine" the surprised hostess admits. "However, I'd like to contradict your earlier statement. We found a video of yours from 2003"

SpongeBob gulps; what could it possibly be? The video plays on-air and the TV in front of SpongeBob:

"Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies! Bahahaha! I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use."

SpongeBob's life flashes before him.

"Mr. SquarePants, do you support the patriarchy?" the hostess asks.

Before the sponge can answer, she cuts him off: "That and more, after the break"

SpongeBob springs up his chair and panics during his walk towards Sandy; she appears nervous yet unforgiving. Her arms are crossed, and she stands off the sides of the set.

"They got my lady comment, Sandy" he panics as if she went deaf for the past few minutes.

Sandy just gives him a blank stare, "I'm not surprised. That was very insulting of you"

"Hey, come on. You kicked my butt and I couldn't sit for an entire week" SpongeBob recalls. "Haven't I suffered enough already?"

Sandy puts her hand to her chin, or in this case, her helmet. She thinks for a moment and sighs, "I guess that I can go on-camera after the commercial and back you up as someone who doesn't hate women or consider them inferior to men. Or in your case, boy"

"Hey!" SpongeBob replies and holds a razor to his face. "I am a man!"

* * *

**The Same Location**

**15 Minutes Later**

"Whew" the hostess sighs as a squirrel and sponge sit across from her. "We regularly don't have commercial breaks this long, especially since our audience has short-attention spans. But this is such a huge interview that we made bank on advertisers for the commercials. I'm sure you two understand"

"Thanks, Sandy" SpongeBob turns to his female best friend.

"No problem, little square dude" she warns him. "But, if you ever insult women again, then I'll kick and break your butt...permanently"

SpongeBob gulps as the floor director gives them the 1-minute signal.

"Whatever you two have to say, please make it quick" she commands them. "We need short soundbites and we're exhausting the power grid"

Suddenly, a production assistant runs over with a cell phone; she hands it over to Sandy.

"Um, hello" she speaks into it

"Hello, Ms. Cheeks" her boss speaks. "We've gotten word that you support a woman-hater AKA Mr. SquarePants. If you support him on live TV, people will cancel you as well"

Sandy gulps: "But, he's my friend. I know he's better than this"

"It will just look bad on us to support a monster like SpongeBob" he warns her. "Also, the feminists will pressure us to fire you"

"SpongeBob isn't a monster!" she exclaims. "I'm not defending what he said in 2003, but he apologized and is very polite to women"

"Sandy, our hands are tied" he gives an ultimatum. "Either you support that guilty man or keep your job"

The phone call hangs up. All time slows down as they're down to the final 10 seconds until the return from the commercial. SpongeBob gives her a small smile of reassurance. Sandy can feel her breathing tighten; she couldn't possibly do this; could she?

"We're going live in 5, 4, 3"

"I'm sorry, SpongeBob" she quickly leaves the set, stunning him.

"Wait, Sandy" he turns towards her and waves his hands in the chair.

"2, 1"

SpongeBob goes to his previous position and sweats frantically. What is he gonna do without the public backing of another woman?

"So, Mr. SquarePants. How would you like to respond to your completely sexist and unforgivable comment about women being inferior to men?"

SpongeBob gulps and takes long breaths, but he finally takes a stance: "Criticize me all you want for the lady comment. However, I am not a lady hater or misogynist. That was one time; I promise you that I'm not anti-women or against anyone I offended in my stand-up work"

"Don't get defensive"

"I'm not defensive; just accurate" he clarifies. Suddenly, the power goes out and all equipment shuts down.

"Darn it, we need to reschedule" the hostess exclaims in frustration. "Is that ok with you, Mr. SquarePants?"

"Uh, sure" he agrees.

* * *

**The Krusty Krab**

**2 Hours Later**

The kitchen is (predictably) in flames because of Squidward's awful cooking skills. Customers have fried boots in place of patties. SpongeBob enters the front door in a green-colored hoodie and a hood covering his forehead.

He approaches the empty cash register and (poorly) imitates a deep voice: "Can I have some service around here?"

Squidward rushes out of the burning kitchen in a tarred shirt. He stands at the register and panics: "What would you like to order, sir?"

He stares at the man under the hood and pauses in shock; SpongeBob whispers:

"I shouldn't be around here, but I really want a Krabby Patty to-go. And if Sandy stops by, tell her that we're done"

To be continued


	4. Chapter 4: The Snail Can Run

Chapter 4

The Snail Can Run

* * *

**4 Months Later**

**Squidward's Definition of a House**

**6 A.M**

An exhausted Squidward is slumped over his bed. A clarinet stand stands by the door; it collects spider-webs and incomplete paintings are scattered across the floor.

His room of alarm clock remains open (From Employee of the Month). Suddenly, all of his alarm clocks RING.

Squidward GROANS and rubs his sunken eyes. He clearly doesn't appear like a morning person, especially during the past few months when he took over both the kitchen and, as SpongeBob would say back in the day, The Cash Register. But taking over mindless jobs means that he's twice as exhausted. It's not even worth it for Squidward because he's not paid twice as much for two jobs.

Squidward rubs his aching back (I don't know if octopuses actually have a spine; so just go along with it). The ironically named octopus sits along the side of the bed and rubs his aching tentacles.

The alarms in the closet continue to stab the ears with the constant RINGING.

"Ow. My aching tentacles" he struggles to get up and turns off all of his alarms, one by one. Why so many alarms? It's because recent weeks proved it difficult for just one alarm to do the trick.

* * *

**Living Room**

**20 Minutes Later**

Squidward sips a large coffee mug. He slumps in front of his 4:3 TV and surfs the channels.

He stops at Bikini Bottom News channel; the same hostess from SpongeBob's interview appears on the channel.

"On today's segment of 'Men are Trash', we talk about SpongeBob SquarePants hitting 4 months since his last public disappearance"

Squidward turns off the TV and SCOFFS.

* * *

**Patrick's Definition of a House**

**10 Minutes Later**

Patrick sleeps on his sand bed; the "room" is occupied by nobody else except a slightly skinny snail. There's a knock from the outside.

The starfish jumps up and grabs the roof, holding the rock up in the air. He stares up and notices a yawning squid.

"Hey, Squidward!" Patrick waves with a huge grin

Squidward yawns: "Just hand me the slug"

* * *

**Outside a Pineapple**

**5 Minutes Later**

Gary dashes across the street, despite being a snail; the outdoors are a luxury now. The snail is on a leash, held by a weezing Squidward.

Gary continually sniffs, giving Squidward a better picture of the situation: "Are we finding SpongeBob?"

Gary dashes faster and MEOWS! Squidward pants as both approach the street

* * *

**The Chum Bucket**

**20 Minutes Later**

The restaurant is flourishing with customers, even though most of them puke in their individual-sized buckets

Gary and Squidward burst through the door; Squidward's feet appear sore and he PANTS hard

Plankton is busy cashing money at the register; he notices Squidward collapse onto the floor.

"Hey! Get off the floor! You're blocking the entrance!"

Squidward speaks with long gaps to accommodate his lungs (or whatever squids have): "Where…...is….SpongeBob?"

"Oh, SpongeBob in the kitchen. He needed a safe spot to research on my wife"

A customer in front of Plankton appears disgusted: "He's researching on your wife…? Dude, do you support polygymy?!"

"What?! No! Karen is a compu-

A middle-aged female fish with blonde hair interrupts: "-Hey! Don't call me a Karen!"

"Oh, for the love of Neptune! I have a computer wife named Karen!"

"Oh!" the customer and female fish reply, falling into deep silence

"What's that knuckle brain researching?!" Squidward gets up and dusts his knees.

"Something about that anchor" he shrugs

Squidward crosses his arms: "Why are you helping him?"

Plankton sports a grin: "Well, he promised the secret formula in return-"

"-What?!" Squidward yells and dashes towards the kitchen, along with a distraught Gary

* * *

**To Be Continued**

**(Author Note: My apology for the 4-month delay. Unfortunately, I lost a family member to COVID-19. Because of that, I needed a prolonged break from writing. Because of that, I'll try to update as much as possible, but I do need to prioritize my mental health and family at this moment)**


End file.
